Facebook

Last year when we were in Arizona I started teaching myself to use Facebook. It's been a fun year, catching up with old friends, getting to know others better and sharing a little bit about myself with others. There have also been some light bulb moments along the way.

Some of my old friends are still so dear and I am truly sorry that I have not made the effort to maintain the relationship. I have also had the experience of reconnecting with those who put a facade, if you will, on Facebook. The real person lurks behind the front, and I have been disappointed, even hurt. The interesting thing is that those particular people used the same tactics in our previous relationships. I mistakenly assumed that those people had evolved from our youth. Hopefully I am now more aware, more sensitive and have a little more finesse than I did 35 years ago. Not everyone is.

Another part of using digital media to connect with old friends is the uncovering of your past. I have no "murders in Texas" to be worried about but do not always look back on who I was back then with much admiration. I was awkward, naive, forward and brash. Also living though the very painful divorce of my parents, I was wounded, mistrustful and needier than I realized at that time. When you walk away from the relationships of your youth, you also to leave behind some of those memories...current relationships only know what you chose to show them. Upon reconnecting, there is the chance that those parts of your life will be exposed again. Reviving relationships, in this way, forces trust. Trust that your friends will write past awkwardness off to your youth and accept the person that you are, and for me...generally, that person is someone that I am content with.

So, you wanna be a writer?

It's hard to imagine that I haven't written for over a year. I have since compeleted school, graduating with a Bachelor's Degree in Digital Technology and Culture, Magna Cum Laude, I might add! I was delighted...not something I was ultimately aiming for, but I'll take it!

We are in Arizona now, taking a break, about six weeks. We love it here and have a pretty leisurely lifestyle. We are both committed to getting back into shape, losing some weight and unwinding from the previous year's frustrations and stresses.

I was speaking with a friend the other night and had a small ephiphany. My friend asked if we were enjoying ourselves and an honest yes was the answer. However, I told her it seemed as though it was taking longer than expected to get settled in; I wasn't sure why. Part of the explanation for that comment, I told her was that our goal of exercising every day was being held up by the inability to set up an account at the club we used last year.

After we said our goodbye's that comment popped back into my head. When I ran it through my mind a few times - drumroll, this is where the ephiphany comes in - I realized that we were expecting things to remain the same while we were gone. Even worse, I realized that in the past I had been frustrated with others for the same thing. Parents and in-laws would spend the winter away and come home expecting for everything to have been at a "stand-still" and for us to be sitting and waiting. I hate it when I do something that in the past has frustrated me in others.

So here we are, in the same geographical location, but many things are different. Our workout club is under new ownership and conditions are different. Our favorite golf shop has gone out of business. I'm sure as the weeks go on, there will be more. And it will be okay.

For me the lesson is, while you are not paying attention things go on without you. Kids grow up, grandchildren change, friends get used to your inattention...you get it. Time won't wait for me...damn.

So here I am, 48 years old, two weeks to go in this semester. I am carrying 9 credits and I have never...not even in middle school...had so much trouble making myself finish my school work. I have piddled away all week on one of the two term papers due and only succeed to write about a page at a time. It's not hard....I just don't want to do it!

Larry is a champ...he tolerates me hanging out upstairs with some mindless tv show on, while I write. He fixes dinner and carefully proof reads my papers. He is blunt, but constructive and seems to be able to decide what it is I need on a particular day. Without him, I will never finish.

The school thing, while rewarding and fulfilling...even in a difficult semester...can be really lonely. None of my friends do this and I am not at school enough to develop relationships. My friends, while encouraging and supporting, don't really understand why this is imporant to me. Nonetheless...they, like Larry accommodate and flex around my schedules with no complaint.
My family can make me feel lonely where school is concerned as well. My mom - never asks. She also doesn't understand why I need to do this. My dad makes me feel as though my education in some way is a trophy on his shelf. I have to do this as I can pay for it and with the stock market they way it is, I will have to wait. He doesn't seem t understand this and pushes.

I so admire the young people at school. I'm not sure that I was that accomplished when I was their age. They are so smart and in the upper level classes that I take, they are very focused and driven. I am definitely learning and they seem to already know....so much more worldly than I was. What I lack, though, is compensated for with twenty years experience. I know how to make a deadline, I know how to go to school every day and that attendance is important to my success.

11 more credits to finish. Maybe I'll try to take two easier classes this summer; it's only six weeks and goes fast.